Although I've tried and I've tried to refrain myself from writing about this in my blog, I just could not help it anymore. Tonight, I just feel so sad that I can't stop myself from crying... Someone dear to me is hurting my family and the consequences will be more when this someone 'crosses' the 'bridge'. Our relationships with each other may no longer be the same, my parents relationships with the rest of the other family members may be affected and things may not be the same and as good anymore - the consequences are just too big for everyone to bear.
Family is always first, no matter what - and at times, we learn it the hard way, I know I did. We may get surrogate family when we tie the knot but blood ties are not the same. There are times when life and death situation arises and only our blood ties can assist us - this has been proven scientifically. I, for one, was one of those who may have hurt my parents so much in my life and from the bottom of my heart, I regret and deeply sorry for hurting them.
I feel that the commandment, "Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you", was made to ensure that we live our long lives with every prayers that my parents dedicate to me. I, too, have learnt that praying for them helps me to get through my days better. When they are so sad like this, I just can't help myself from being so sad too. Maybe now I am much older and my eyes have 'opened up' to see their sacrifices since I was small till I graduated up to now.
I dont know what else to do with this special someone in my life. I watched how my mother lost a son and gained a daughter but I never thought that my mum's burden was more than what I saw then. I saw how she cried when her baby was 'crucifixed' due to multiple blood transfusions, I was only allowed to visit - I remember how my dad cried when he told us to be ready if we lose another sibling. I never thought that my parents would ever share with us on those most difficult moments of their lives and I never thought there are a lot more difficult situations that they have to go through those days. Mcm org cakap, seberat-berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yg memikul.
Ish kalau la boleh saya kasi pusing ni masa, saya mau kasi ubah segalanya supaya daddy and mummy tidak sakit hati begini. Kadang2 ada juga masa saya blame diri saya atas apa yg sedang berlaku sekarang. Afterall, saya yg sulung kan? Saya sepatutnya lebih tahu apa yg patut dijadikan contoh - especially now, I feel that I screwed up and crushed my parents' hearts for not taking care of myself and my family better. Saya rasa macam ni jantung saya skg ni mo jatuh sija - terlampau berat dan sakit saya rasa. Fikiran pun suda terlampau bercelaru.
Ada pula yg ahli keluarga lain tu bagi support sedangkan dorang nda tau betapa besar pengorbanan si daddy and mummy to bring us all up especially to this special someone - they never stopped worrying about this special someone. I wish that the others would stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about their parents and what would their parents feel if they do the same thing. Stop and think for a while before we support something and imagine what the elders are feeling. The elders who sacrificed so much to make us where we are today, the elders who, no matter what, tried their best to ensure that we have food to eat and clothes to wear. Orang tua yg kadang2 terpaksa berhutang sana-sini utk membiaya pelajaran kita - like I've said, kadang2 kita mungkin terlupa. My parents never brought these things to me before but now that they did, I couldn't help myself from feeling so-so sad for them. Growing up, I had a grandmother by my side, and that may be the reason why I didn't bond well with my parents. At these trying moments, I just wish that mama would be here by my side, consoling me with her soft voice and wiping my tears away with her hands. Ma, kalau la kau ada di sini, mesti kau pun sedih sama2 kami kan? I visited you the other day in Papar because I wanted to feel so close to you, I went to the house that we used to spend together masa saya cuti sekolah dulu2... I used to see you cry in your prayers when you prayed for this special someone and saya masa tu tidak paham kenapa... Now, I know why... mummy suda kasitau kami semua
My parents have asked my help to carry on something but I don't know whether I have the tenacity to carry such a responsibility... I pray that I will have the strength to carry it **sigh** I guess, like my dad, I would not be able to sleep well until this thing is resolved. I pray that the resolution will be soon for dad's and mum's sake.
To my readers, you may not know what is the issue here but please pray that this ordeal will come to pass and that my family will still be intact after that...
Family is always first, no matter what - and at times, we learn it the hard way, I know I did. We may get surrogate family when we tie the knot but blood ties are not the same. There are times when life and death situation arises and only our blood ties can assist us - this has been proven scientifically. I, for one, was one of those who may have hurt my parents so much in my life and from the bottom of my heart, I regret and deeply sorry for hurting them.
I feel that the commandment, "Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you", was made to ensure that we live our long lives with every prayers that my parents dedicate to me. I, too, have learnt that praying for them helps me to get through my days better. When they are so sad like this, I just can't help myself from being so sad too. Maybe now I am much older and my eyes have 'opened up' to see their sacrifices since I was small till I graduated up to now.
I dont know what else to do with this special someone in my life. I watched how my mother lost a son and gained a daughter but I never thought that my mum's burden was more than what I saw then. I saw how she cried when her baby was 'crucifixed' due to multiple blood transfusions, I was only allowed to visit - I remember how my dad cried when he told us to be ready if we lose another sibling. I never thought that my parents would ever share with us on those most difficult moments of their lives and I never thought there are a lot more difficult situations that they have to go through those days. Mcm org cakap, seberat-berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yg memikul.
Ish kalau la boleh saya kasi pusing ni masa, saya mau kasi ubah segalanya supaya daddy and mummy tidak sakit hati begini. Kadang2 ada juga masa saya blame diri saya atas apa yg sedang berlaku sekarang. Afterall, saya yg sulung kan? Saya sepatutnya lebih tahu apa yg patut dijadikan contoh - especially now, I feel that I screwed up and crushed my parents' hearts for not taking care of myself and my family better. Saya rasa macam ni jantung saya skg ni mo jatuh sija - terlampau berat dan sakit saya rasa. Fikiran pun suda terlampau bercelaru.
Ada pula yg ahli keluarga lain tu bagi support sedangkan dorang nda tau betapa besar pengorbanan si daddy and mummy to bring us all up especially to this special someone - they never stopped worrying about this special someone. I wish that the others would stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about their parents and what would their parents feel if they do the same thing. Stop and think for a while before we support something and imagine what the elders are feeling. The elders who sacrificed so much to make us where we are today, the elders who, no matter what, tried their best to ensure that we have food to eat and clothes to wear. Orang tua yg kadang2 terpaksa berhutang sana-sini utk membiaya pelajaran kita - like I've said, kadang2 kita mungkin terlupa. My parents never brought these things to me before but now that they did, I couldn't help myself from feeling so-so sad for them. Growing up, I had a grandmother by my side, and that may be the reason why I didn't bond well with my parents. At these trying moments, I just wish that mama would be here by my side, consoling me with her soft voice and wiping my tears away with her hands. Ma, kalau la kau ada di sini, mesti kau pun sedih sama2 kami kan? I visited you the other day in Papar because I wanted to feel so close to you, I went to the house that we used to spend together masa saya cuti sekolah dulu2... I used to see you cry in your prayers when you prayed for this special someone and saya masa tu tidak paham kenapa... Now, I know why... mummy suda kasitau kami semua
My parents have asked my help to carry on something but I don't know whether I have the tenacity to carry such a responsibility... I pray that I will have the strength to carry it **sigh** I guess, like my dad, I would not be able to sleep well until this thing is resolved. I pray that the resolution will be soon for dad's and mum's sake.
To my readers, you may not know what is the issue here but please pray that this ordeal will come to pass and that my family will still be intact after that...
http://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/novena/jude.htm
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/novena/jude.htm
ReplyDeletetak tau apa yg berat sgt tu... tapi 4 sure amatlah berat. see ur eyes deeply.
ReplyDeletethanks people for understanding, appreciate all the prayers
ReplyDelete